•*¨`*•. ☆ .•*¨`*•. .•*¨`*•.☆~ I didn't know i would miss him too ~ •*¨`*•. ☆ .•*¨`*•. .•*¨`*•.☆

They say time heals all wounds, and it has been almost 7 months since the tragedy. I now feel i can express my bottled emotion. I share with you, what seemed to be the hardest thing i have ever have to encounter being a new mother for the 3rd time, and with permission, i am able to share a photo as well. I have anxiety while i type, so please bare with me.

Iv'e known Amie since 2010. We chat almost daily, we exchange laughs and rant about the every day life of being mothers of 2 little girls. With me living in Mass and her in North Carolina, talking on the phone for hrs was a given :) After trying for a few months, me & my husband finally fell pregnant! So overjoyed we were. I waited a bit before sharing with friends, but when Amie shared with me that she was pregnant i felt compelled   to share our news. We squealed in delight! and both of us were waiting to see who was going to give birth to a boy :p 

As time went on our bellies grew, we shared photos and compared bumps, complained about pregnancy 'issues' and text till the wee hrs about sleeping issues. The following weeks and months would come and go, and soon enough we would share the sex of our babies with one another. I was having my 3rd girl☆ and Amie was finally having her boy!☆ We started critiquing & shopping for cloth diapers, often purchasing the same prints ♥ My due date was July 14th and hers was July 24th. I was preparing my self for the upcoming Birth of Luna, being nervous and no longer feeling calm about my VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) but i guess that happens towards the end of every pregnancy, feeling worried and anxiety stricken.

On July 10th at 39weeks and 3 day labor struck, and a little before 6 am on July 11th 2011, My little girl was born! I am a VBAC'er and  now a mother of 3.

I settle in at home in awe of what iv'e accomplished i feel good, but recovery is rough. Of coarse i share the news with Amie, who was clearly cooking Cameron to perfection. She was scheduled for induction at 41 wks on July 31st 2011. We exchanged text messages through out the day, she informed me that she had made it to the hospital, followed by a text hrs later saying, "I'm 75% effaced and 4 cm". I would nurse my soft pink newborn to sleep and rest my eyes, with my cell phone on vibrate and await updates on the delivery of baby Cameron.

Hours later at 11:45pm (my time) i received a text message. "i was rushed for an emg c-sec Cameron didn't make it"

I kept rubbing my eyes and re reading the text message. This couldn't be true! i even went back and checked the cell number because i didn't think it was from  her. I remember texting her back, "what?!!? wait...what?!" i couldn't comprehend what i just read. My body just turned cold and i felt sick, I told her to call me when she could. I spent the next few hrs in the bathroom on and off with the runs from my knotted stomach. i rested my head on my pillow next to Luna and waited for her call.

At 2:35 am my phone rang, i was almost hesitant to pick it up, What would i say? what if i start crying? what if Luna wakes & starts crying? I pick up the phone and just listen, because sometimes that's all you can do, just listen. She talked........she sobbed.......she dozed off for a few...and on the other end of the phone i cried silently. We talked for an hr, about the events of the delivery, he was in distress and and she was knocked out cold and an emergency c-section was performed and when she woke, they informed her he didn't make it. "I never got to hear him cry" i remember her saying. We talked for another 20 minutes, before i let her go and rest.

I sobbed on and off for a wk, my face would feel swollen & i would have a headache from all the crying. At times i couldn't even look at my own newborn. I felt guilty. Guilty for having a healthy child, because i was in the "danger" zone for attempting a VBAC, and here she is with no issues & will leave the hospital with out her baby.

Beautiful baby Cameron was delivered still, weighing 7lbs 3.3oz & 21" long on July 31st 2011

I continue to speak to Amie and together we share the Love we have for both of our babies. In doing so, i hope she can heal from the pain of Cameron's passing still while holding tight to his memory. I'm slowly smoothing down the edges of thinking. Feeling the way i felt, the month my daughter was born was hard, but losing a child is harder. I don't take my children for granted, not now, not ever! Cameron is loved and missed by his parents, but i didn't know i would miss him too!